Kanye got it wrong. The Midwest is fried food, abused farm animals, delicious enormous vegetables, and people moving slowly around aisles of schlock. And the best example of all of this begins today. Today is the first day of the Minnesota state fair. What does this mean? It means lots of fried foods on a stick. It means lots of judging who has the best zucchini, whose apple pie has the best crumb topping, and which pumpkin is the largest. It means booths where you can learn about safety in the agricultural field, watch a goat give birth (animals give birth frequently at the fair…and this is a draw), eat a pronto pup, get all you can drink milk for fifty cents, look at butter sculptures of farm wagons, watch an old lady make a seed art picture of Goldy Gopher, all of that stuff. People come from all over to this fair, it’s a huge draw, makes huge money, and many people throw up huge over the course of the 12 day event. Each year several new fried foods get introduced – this year two of the biggies are fried bananas foster on a stick and fried spaghetti and meatballs on a stick. I am told that fried snickers bars are fantastic. I do not believe that. I am going at least twice this year – on Tuesday to work the University of Minnesota booth (we give out free rulers and people flock to get the damn things – we even call it Education on a Stick ha ha ha oh my pancreas), and today just to walk around and see what the hell is going on. It is Thrifty Thursday, after all, and admission is discounted.

I will bring my digital camera to take pictures of lots of weird things and hopefully post. I think you would all enjoy this event. It is so utterly ridiculous. (I resisted using the word ‘udderly’ in the last sentence…just barely.) Last year I went to the piggie birth booth and when a bunch of Minnesotans were looking at a new porky I swiped a line from Dave Attell and said, “Look at it lying there…deliciously.” People were horrified.

Time to raise the cholesterol count. I can almost guarantee that I will have diarrhea this evening. I will be disappointed if I don’t need some bismuth later.

By the way, on the left is the promo poster that people are buying up. It is by Mary Grandpre, the artists on the U.S. Harry Potter books, who used to live in St. Paul. I thought it was a goat, then a cow, and now I just think it is a retarded dog.