From the Onion article:

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of a recent drop in the sexual-interest rate, Labor Secretary Elaine Chao announced Tuesday that blowjoblessness in America has reached a record high.

According to Chao, long-term relationships are responsible for the loss of many of this year’s blowjobs. “Over time, traditional blowjob providers prioritize other services, eventually eliminating those blowjobs that they deem unnecessary,” Chao said.

According to Labor Department statistics, almost half of blowjobless Americans are living below the oral-poverty line, and benefits packages that include sexual intercourse are not enough to sustain them.

“For many of these orally disenfranchised men, a hand-to-mouth existence is but a dream,”