Also from McSweeney’s
A wedding toast by Katie Holmes’ former best friend
A bit:

And it’s just really great about Katie’s involvement with that Scientology thing. Hey, Katie, remember when we used to watch those dumb volcano commercials about it on TV? Huh? Well, um, we did. And it’s just so funny that you’re into something scientific, ’cause we were both, like, so bad at science. Remember that Bunsen burner incident in 10th-grade lab—so not my fault—and then you pretended to make out with that fetal pig? And now you’re totally into science.