More from McSweeney’s:

Ten Things the Guy at Starbucks Is Thinking While Looking at the Brunette Barista Behind the Counter.

• Look, I’m reading the business section. I have lots of money. Want sex?
• I am eating this scone with earnest sincerity. I am sincere. Want sex?
• I will swivel slightly in my chair to display my well-pressed slacks. Sex?
• I am drinking coffee and staring thoughtfully out the window. I can be deep. And long.
• I make a remark about the rain using the word “inclement.” I am intelligent. Do me.
• Someone else has said a winning joke about baseball. I laugh along with you. We share common interests.
• I say, “Do you have sugar, Sugar?” and smile. I have gleaming white teeth. So will our kids.
• I put my head in my hands. I am tormented and mysterious. Join me for sex?
• Someone says something about the latte you made. I give you a face. I empathize. You. Me. Sex?
• I am getting up to leave now saying, “I’ll be back tomorrow.” You crinkle your face. Ah! I’m making an impression!