From the Onion article:

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of a recent drop in the sexual-interest rate, Labor Secretary Elaine Chao announced Tuesday that blowjoblessness in America has reached a record high.

According to Chao, long-term relationships are responsible for the loss of many of this year’s blowjobs. “Over time, traditional blowjob providers prioritize other services, eventually eliminating those blowjobs that they deem unnecessary,” Chao said.

According to Labor Department statistics, almost half of blowjobless Americans are living below the oral-poverty line, and benefits packages that include sexual intercourse are not enough to sustain them.

“For many of these orally disenfranchised men, a hand-to-mouth existence is but a dream,”

Kanye got it wrong. The Midwest is fried food, abused farm animals, delicious enormous vegetables, and people moving slowly around aisles of schlock. And the best example of all of this begins today. Today is the first day of the Minnesota state fair. What does this mean? It means lots of fried foods on a stick. It means lots of judging who has the best zucchini, whose apple pie has the best crumb topping, and which pumpkin is the largest. It means booths where you can learn about safety in the agricultural field, watch a goat give birth (animals give birth frequently at the fair…and this is a draw), eat a pronto pup, get all you can drink milk for fifty cents, look at butter sculptures of farm wagons, watch an old lady make a seed art picture of Goldy Gopher, all of that stuff. People come from all over to this fair, it’s a huge draw, makes huge money, and many people throw up huge over the course of the 12 day event. Each year several new fried foods get introduced – this year two of the biggies are fried bananas foster on a stick and fried spaghetti and meatballs on a stick. I am told that fried snickers bars are fantastic. I do not believe that. I am going at least twice this year – on Tuesday to work the University of Minnesota booth (we give out free rulers and people flock to get the damn things – we even call it Education on a Stick ha ha ha oh my pancreas), and today just to walk around and see what the hell is going on. It is Thrifty Thursday, after all, and admission is discounted.

I will bring my digital camera to take pictures of lots of weird things and hopefully post. I think you would all enjoy this event. It is so utterly ridiculous. (I resisted using the word ‘udderly’ in the last sentence…just barely.) Last year I went to the piggie birth booth and when a bunch of Minnesotans were looking at a new porky I swiped a line from Dave Attell and said, “Look at it lying there…deliciously.” People were horrified.

Time to raise the cholesterol count. I can almost guarantee that I will have diarrhea this evening. I will be disappointed if I don’t need some bismuth later.

By the way, on the left is the promo poster that people are buying up. It is by Mary Grandpre, the artists on the U.S. Harry Potter books, who used to live in St. Paul. I thought it was a goat, then a cow, and now I just think it is a retarded dog.

I can’t find the fricking picture on the web, but the book 101 Useless Japanese Inventions shows a similar little invention – a plunger with a strap-like handle on the other end. You basically suction the plunger to the top of the train and straphang wherever you wish.

Here’s two other weird, train rider inventions for yo’ ass…

This one’s so you can sleep standing up, or I guess hang yourself on a subway.

This one’s so you can go to sleep and someone will wake you before your stop.

I ride between four and six different trains every day. The quantity and variety of human excreta that coats the overhead handholds is something I try not think about too much. Crabby and I have come up with a euphemism, “transit hands”. This company takes it pretty seriously. They even have accessories.

T-shirts from Extra Ugly:

A slingshot with a laser sight. Note the music when the page loads.

Gay merit badges are here.

Drama Queen

Today BothFavorites.com hit two milestones at once with 300 posts and 500 comments. Thanks to all who contributed.